Stagnancy

stag·nant  (stăg′nənt)

adj.

1. Not moving or flowing; motionless.

2. Foul or stale from standing: stagnant ponds.

3.

a. Showing little or no sign of activity or advancement; not developing or progressing; inactive: a stagnant economy.

b. Lacking vitality or briskness; sluggish or dull: a stagnant mind.

If you may take a look of what the tittle means in the dictionary that pretty much describing of what I felt couple of month recently. You might wonder why I always looking for english term or write my blog in english more than in my mother tongue language. I don't know why but I feel more freedom to express my feeling and pull everything out across my head in english, no hierarchy and manner term needed if you get what I mean. 

Anyway, I feel like an alien both in the society and to myself, I kinda go away from the crowd and pull my self out from the society which I absent in some routine meeting and just go to my dikti research by myself, maybe I too overwhelmed with this research. I can get enough of this, work on the rats and getting over the parasites that might infect me from the poop and urine of those cute little rats. Poor on you, we lost two of them already, one more died, it would be a drop out, hopefully it will not after all this effort taking care of them this quite long. I have to manage my time really well to go back and forth drive alone in the middle of the spare time during changing class. 

Well I always have goals in my life so that I keep on track to be motivated to achieve those goals, and now I think I have been exhausted because I poured out too much energy during past semester and I need refreshments and lots of whole new goals and motivation.

So here I am setting up goals that I might or might not achieved but at least I have to set up a target in order to bring back my enthusiasm.

1. Scholarships!

I always get scholarship ever since I went into elementary school and high school and now I haven't get any in college. Is it a coincidence or not but it happen to be I read several book about motivation and how they got scholarship for school abroad, and also heard news from friends who already got one. I am happy and envy for them at the same time because I feel that I haven't done nothing much to pursue it like they did. Hopefully I can get any scholarship for school, conference or anything, better to be abroad though :) I actually really want to continue on my study of residency to USA or research in Germany, it just sound interesting actually, but yet if you get scholarship after all. Education and living cost could be way expensive and I don't want to be a burden to my parents who had give me a lot of education opportunities :)

2. Going Abroad

I had become an exchange students twice but yet I haven't continue my international debut in college now although I've seen a lot of opportunities just passing by right in front of my eyes. AISEC, EAMSC and AMSC from AMSA, LIMUN, HNMUN, well I still trying to apply for LIMUN though. But when I look into my AFS friend, they already join lots of International conference and keep enhancing their global knowledge and broaden their perspectives. Well I feel like I am stuck here and not progressing if I am not exploring my self like I did. I realised that I had been so busy on my internal campus life, because I have been so active in internal activities but I am not aware of what's going around out there ahead of me. So hopefully I can get a chance and prepared for that one more time. Well yeah but holiday abroad with parents abroad still have to be count, but it still feels different though because just go around everywhere with them after long time not coming home is just makes you happy.

3. Academic

I used to really put into effort to get a good grades at school, get a good rank and even dean's list in high school. But now I understand that in college, I facing bunch of smarties coming from all around the town and they used to be the best too in their school so no wonder that I need to put extra effort to beat them up. But when I was at school what was I thinking were the future lies ahead on me that I have to be a doctor no matter what and in order to get into Med school which is famous to be hard to get in is study hard and get a good grades or even being the best at school. Now you already get into it and I feel like that goal is achieved and my motivation is not as strong anymore as in the first place. You know what I mean right when you really want apple that bad, once you get it, you get confused on what to do to that apple except just to eat it and feeling satisfied. I know that my journey hasn't end yet because I am not even a doctor yet but the feeling of one step closer is what makes you take it slow. Beside that you realise anything you learned during past of your school life are nothing compared to what you have to know in college and sometimes it freaks you out and you don't even now where to start and you always got a slight thought how you can deal this kind of disease in a real sick patients. So study harder okay, your knowledge means a lot to saving lives! ;)

4. Competition

In order to be motivated I think I should be more competitive but yet past competition that I joined are non academic though, but I think is still good to explore my other potential that I might have. But still I have to challenge my self to join academic competition as well so that I can be pushed to study even harder and not thinking that I am only ordinary person among bunch of smarties in my campus. I observed that I think people might be excel more in one subject than the other, so I have to find my passion first in medicine, what subject interest me more than the other so I would think of competition of I shoul join or even later what specialty suit me best in the future career.

5. Events

Next semester or even closer, next month I am in charge of several events, so hopefully I can be more passionate and enthusiast again day to day :) Bismilah Workshop diklat, annisa, maladica, SF, Porseni, LIMUN! :)

6. Spritiual

Still I have to be commit to my self to still keep on a good track. I am happy that my mom and dad always remind me to be closer to God and they also have become a good role model to me. Now that I have to promise my self to read Al-Qur'an every single day, reaching what my mom did to finish one juz every day, and also I have to up grade my Surat recitation which have been stuck ever since I was in middle school maybe? Juz Amma at least have to be finished by graduation, lots of work to do to become hafizh but what my senior, Mba Iiis taught me that we really have to set up a concrete goal by year so that we have a direction on how to live our life. And have to do more contribution in rohis too, maybe trying to be a mentor, I stil haven't got the passion yet, feels like I have to read more to fill up my spiritual knowledge.

7. Music
I really miss playing piano so bad :( whatever hard it takes in order to complete one sheet of music and playing it well but you just feel joy when you can play it. Whenever I feel stress, classical music always help me to get me on my right mind and calm me down. What should I do then? Should I waste up my half life studying classical music just because I move out faraway and doesn't have access to piano anymore? :( I should have been become a classical music teacher by now and maybe that could be use for savings and add up some of my expends.

Well just a top of my 'should be' imagination if I stay home where I've been. Binabud Jakarta volunteer? reunite with besties more frequently, going to PIM every weekend, what more do I miss and leave behind. I have been going extra miles and leaving my comfort zone, seeking for new adventures, experience and potentials. What more should you regret? Happiness is simple and you have to seek for it everywhere :D

See, after ident you don't even want to do anything because you had been stress out enough, but come on, mid exam is coming closer! Get your head on straight :)

-NA