Insecure

in·se·cure

ˌinsəˈkyo͝or/

adjective

1. 1.

   (of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.

   "a top model who is notoriously insecure about her looks"

   synonyms:

   unconfident, uncertain, unsure, doubtful, hesitant, self-conscious,unassertive, diffident, unforthcoming, shy, timid, retiring, timorous,inhibited, introverted; More
2. 2.

   (of a thing) not firm or set; unsafe.

If I could describe my feeling in a word now, that could be it, to sum up all of my feeling of "anxiousness".

For some reason, lately I felt like I've been left behind in term of anything you may say, education, career, finance, love life, or else, merely I just worried about my future prospect. The reason that trigger me to lead so is that lots of graduation picture in my time line, I chat with my old friends over that issue just to say "Congraduation" even though we haven't chat for a while but then that 'topic' of future made us connect again somehow. And here it goes... some graduated with cum laude tittle, some have already pursue their career to work with decent job, some want to continue their education in master degree, some already have their own business or having part time job and making money by them self. Then another thing also strike me is that, some have a decent partner (?) I mean well-decent guy who financially stabled (?), (read: tampan-mapan-beriman kinda thing), engange or getting married (?), and majority of my kost friend somehow just "in a relationship" now and my old friend already "in a relationship" in quite long term.

Well although some of my target already been accomplished (read in stagnancy post), dan setelah gw juga curhat sana-sini ngeluh tentang hal ini ke orang-orang, tetep aja ga menemukan kepuasan akan nasehat mereka, karena the fact that emang kuliah gw lama lulusnya dan makin tanpa kejelasan tentang profesinya itu sendiri yang entah saya merasa pemerintah makin ga mendukung aja profesi kita (pantes aja peminatnya makin tahun turun drastis, If I may sing "too young too dumb to realize", even gw dulunya bener2 mau jadi dokter tapi entah kadang suka goyah dan frustasi aja klo denger isu-isu soal sistem kesehatan makin ruwet aja yang kadang ga menguntungkan dari sisi dokter itu sendiri, like please we are also just a human being not "super human" what do you expect from us, people? Then okay enough with my first problem, then come to my next second world problem, "Kapan nikah?" lol. Ga ada juga sih yang nanyain gw kayak gitu, tapi entah sih kenapa orang2 baper mulu klo nyangkut masalah gini, one of my friend said "Iya yang dipikirin mah nikah enak2nya aja, padahal belom tau aja ngurus anak ntar susah, klo bayar listrik, bayar air gimana tuh bikin puyeng". Bener juga sih sebenernya adanya, gw cuma ga bisa deal with this circumstances, and the fact that it lead me to worry about my future as if I I am not grateful with all of the things that I have now, selfish right? 

So then, gw kepikiran lagi soal gimana gw dari dulu bisa segitu teguhnya sama pendirian gw about delaying gratification could turn into something great ahead, we just need to be patient and persistence well everything will come great in a perfect time isn't it? "Indah pada waktunya"

So what are those gratifications that I talk about? Here some of them, I am sure in every stage of life could there be different one just based on our circumstances. For now as an Early adolescents, I would say:

Belajar dan membca terus sampai ga tidur di kala orang lain bisa liburan dan main itu sulit, bahkan ini bukan apa-apa kayaknya klo gw ntar jaga malem di RS?

Tetap berusaha jujur dan menyakini kemampuan diri sendiri saat mengerjakan soal ujian itu sulit di kala orang-orang kasak kusuk nyari jawaban ke mana2 (?) got what I mean?

Menutup aurat di kala keinginan untuk tetap mengikuti fashion yang ada itu sulit, let say dye your hair or having cute dresses?

Not to taste a sip of wine or alcohol is hard enough to kill your curiosity when I go abroad during the cold winter

TIdak tergoda nyobain semua makanan yang sepertinya sangat lezat, signature food of that country is tempting enough until you know the fact that (almost) all of it contain pork

And the last one might be, selalu sendirian di kala orang-orang jalan berduaan kemana-mana is hard enough because you feel that no one really put special care for you (?) or the fact that satu persatu temen2 lo jadi punya acara masing-masing yang tadinya bisa jalan bareng2 terus. And yeah here I am dari dulu sampe sekarang "FOKUS BERPRESTASI UH YEAH" (Haha sounds lame ya, but I know right, gw dari dulu se determine itu sampe gw ga ngerasa insecure sahabat geng gw semua nya jadian, gw chill aja, tapi entah kenapa sekarang gw baru kayak "why I am always left alone gitu?"

Then this stupid questions pop in my head such as:

Apa gw karma ya dari dulu nolak-nolakin orang klo mau deketin gw jutekin (?) haha, ga juga sih sebenernya lebih ke, gw ga anti php-in orang aja prinsipnya. Buat apa gw kasih harapan juga klo dari awal pdkt aja udah bikin males  "belom2 ngajak ngomong aku-kamu yg apa banget gt kan, atau nanya2 ga penting kyk "Lagi ngapain?" atau "Udah makan?" duh itu super silly question orang ga ada kerjaan banget pikir gw jaman dulu (yg dari dulu gw emang selalu sibuk les, sibuk sekolah, whatever lah I don't have time buat ngeladenin cecere mece macem gitu.)

Apa gw se ga bisa di "deal with" itu ya sampe temen gw yg cowok ada yg bilang "Suami lo mestinya psikiater nad yang bisa ngadepin lo". Gila ga omongan ini ga bisa gw lupain ever lah walaupun dia udah minta maaf juga ke gw, but still, gw kyk kepikiran aja emg gw segitu psikosis nya ya (?). No hard feeling though I forgive you already but just can't get rid of that statement out of my head, dude.

Apa gw se unattractive itu or gw looks like "so independent" that I can tackle everything by my own jadi people thing I need nobody (?)

Apa gw se egois itu ya jadi people think that I don't have any "time" or "portion" to let anyone enter my life.

Apa emang gw susah membuka hati dan diri gw aja to welcome anyone dan susah nyari yang cocok (?)

But now simply if I may say now, gw nemu jawabannya sendiri tentang hal-hal ini. Dulu gw sempet jadian dan entah sampe skrg emang kadang masih merasa nyesel karna my relationship end up "complicated", klo liat temen2 gw yg masih bareng dari dulu sampe skrg, suka mikir aja mungkin gw bisa kayak mereka (?) somehow. Tapi gw inget lagi kenapa gw akhirnya memutuskan untuk kayak gitu, karena ya itu deep inside my self gw masih seseorang yang memegang teguh prinsip gw dan sulit untuk menjelaskan itu ke orang yang ga se visi misi sama kita kan. Kalo lebih banyak mudharat daripada manfaat buat apa dijalanin juga kan, nanti ujung-ujungnya kita malah bisa terjerermus ke arah maksiat dan karena gw orang yg sangat amat antisipatif yang apa2 dipikirin ke depannya, makanya gw selalu berhitung akan kemungkinan itu. Dan sepotong ayat al-Qur'an ini yang bikin gw akhirnya feels little bit relieve. 

Juga thanks to beberapa post di tumblr dan instagram ini yang bikin gw "tersadar" lagi. 

Karena emang sejatinya kita hanya bisa menemukan jawaban dari kegelisahan kita by our own kan klo emang kita berniat selalu di jalan yang di-ridhai Allah. Keep istiqomah, InsyaAllah.

Kita memang harus saling mengingatkan dalam kebaikan bukan? Terimakasih sahabatku, yang lewat tulisannya menyadarkan sahabatmu ini :) Dear sahabat-sahabatku yang lain, ingatlah sejatinya kesenangan duniawi hanyalah sesuatu yang semu dan fana, jangan jadikan hal yang tadinya tabu kini jadi lumrah. Not because everybody doing it that doesn't mean it's totally fine to do it now.

AYOOO TERUS FOKUS BERPRESTASI NAAAD!!!!! SEMANGAAAT!!!!

*note to self*

-NA