Selfless

There's a lot of things going on lately that force me to think and think and think and somehow it also make me more sensitive for some reason, like it's hard to control my emotion. Small silly mistakes could made me irritable and that make me felt like I'm the bad guy over here because I always feel like people forgotten me or left me out. It was initially started with my birthday. 

I know that I'm not actually such a romantic friend who would always be the initiator to held a surprise party or giving a present when my friend have a birthday, I'm just close enough to someone who always tried to remember hardly my friends birthday date (because I'm not actually the type of person who would make such a fuss on party) but I think just a sincere wishes through social media or if I met them in person if I knew that day is their birthday is enough to warm their heart. (At least for me, that just the least thing I want from my closest friend, just to wish me a very happy birthday along with the sincere prayer.

But then for some reason, I just felt bad if I am attending my friend birthday's surprises, also collecting the money to buy the present or at least congratulate them when they're having a birthday and in return, I've got nothing from them. I mean, they don't even remember my birthday just to show them that they care for me, don't you feel sad? 

I mean, even just for acquaintances or friend that isn't close enough with me, I tried to be nice by congratulate them on their birthday and I don't really mind if they forget about mine because we aren't close enough to remember about that details. Am I wrong if I expecting more from my closer one? I realize that I didn't do much for them when they having a birthday but still I "waste" my money and time just to give them a party and present. But then, am I too mean if I only want at least a simple word to wish me a good birthday just to show that they care for me?

Then if my anger is over-flood and  my mind is overwhelmed with negative thoughts my psychological defence mechanism would turn me into silence and pulled my self away from the crowd and give a gesture that says "Leave me alone". And you know the contradictory part of me somehow, after this period I really wish someone would be sensitive  enough (read: peka) to sense my irregularity and ask me what's wrong like what I always did to them. If I sense that they are not in a good mood I always approach them and ask what's wrong with them then they would tell me. Just because I'm extrovert enough and I would tell them if I have problems doesn't mean that there's time when I remain silence I need them to approach me and ask me what's wrong, lend me their ear or shoulder for me. Am I asking too much in return?

Then lately I just having a fight with one of my Guy friend which I think it's so weird that even my Guys friends are more sensitive than my Girls friend. That's why if I felt like mad towards them and then felt cranky and "bete" I would just remain silence for several days and over time we will just getting along again like we used to without hard feeling because I almost forgot about that but who knows sometimes it can be resurface :( So then he give me a great lesson on how he said we should confront it first to make it clear. As again, I always tend to avoid confrontation because I don't want to ruin relationship with anyone and let the time heals (which sadly what I did  once had made my previous "relationship" hanging on the hook (?) (read: gantung ga jelas -__-). Then he said the key is one of them have to yield, well one have to suppress their ego right? 

Now that I understand this word "Selfless" in which once I considered it to be silly to have such trait in divergent.

Selfless means Ikhlas dan Tulus. Having or showing great concern for other people and little or no concern for yourself. Never expecting something in return. The antonym of selfish. 

I know this is an old principle of life to find happiness in your own, but as you grown up you loss grip of something and fell off the track. And that I just need a small heads up like this to be awaken. 

Gladly these advice answered all of the doubt that I frustratingly overwhelmed and overthink about. If people have problem it depend on how they respond to the problem,  not to be "reactive" by it. It's not depend on the matter of how big the problem is but how smart we could handle and the situation so it will not led into another problem. Then we can tackle everything up. 

Thus if you have problem, you have to face it until it clearly done and not trying to escape from it and expecting that time would heal everything (in which I might always do -_-). If you keep remain silent sometime it may be a good thing to calm down the situation first and not making the anger over flood, but then as your head cooling down, you need to think clearly about the future impact by negotiate and discuss about the solution. Don't be too self-center nad, everything doesn't always revolve around you. Sometimes you need to just pay it forward. Never expect something in return. Give and care more and more and more, let God hands repay you back in his own way. 

Such as the glue incident in UI can make a huge impact on Sasa although you think it might only be a small kindness from stranger who could actually be an angel that Allah send to you so you can understand that god help work in mysterious way. How could you be grateful if you always feel insufficient? Thank you Allah for your love for me as always with this Enlightenment. Forgive all of my sin that I continuously still do even though I don't aware of it. Please remind me always through your mysterious way.

Repharaphrising this....

You don’t know how precious what you’ve got, until it’s gone…Everyone that you know and that you think you have in your life today, will be gone one day.Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not next year. It might happen without you noticing.
But all those people, that you think will be there or that you think you can always come back to, they’ll be gone. I don’t think enough people realize this. People try to predict the future to some extent, try to shape it and mold it, trying to control some aspect to better fit the way their lives are at the moment – as if they even have the ability – and they put people off.They say no, or not now, or that the time isn’t right. They deny themselves and they pass up opportunities, thinking the person will still be there later on.
Well, maybe you’ll get lucky and they will be. But chances are they won’t. All you have and all you have control over is right now and the only people you have in your life are the ones you have right now.
So you can plan all you want.But once you realize that everyone you know will one day be gone, you’ll do things differently.That, or you’ll wake up one day wishing you had, but it’ll be too damn late…

Well, I have to be aware that this whole things prepare me for my profession. Bismillah